It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
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Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
The devil.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”