It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
You Might Also Like
I have obtained a hat
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
A classic…
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Breaking news:
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.