Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
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[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
And that about sums it up.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.