Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
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Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Yes, but it was never about money
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.