Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
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I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.