@scorpicpanda: It's like Grandma used to say, "All men are hilarious, until you marry one."
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@ChickenColeman: Atheists swear they not going to hell just cuz they don't believe in it. nigga I don't believe in having a job but I still go to work
@FatherWithTwins: "Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That's all, so you don't need to look." - my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
@Amusitr0n: Pizza Hut Employee: I'm sorry but we don't deliver bog grass. I'm not even sure what that is. Moose: [incoherent bellowing]