best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
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I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
going to the ER y’all need anything
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?