It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
You Might Also Like
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar