Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
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I remember when things only cost an arm.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Me trying to walk in a dream
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me