“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
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Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”