@paulrobalino: It's like my dad always said: "Stop quoting me and come up with your own ideas."
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@JediGigi: I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I'm ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
@sixfootcandy: Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
@kelkulus: Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I'd probably have done better if they'd specified that they didn't mean by tickling.
@wittwitbarista: I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like "do you know how fast you were going?"Or "is that a raccoon smoking a joint?"