my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
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Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
PLOT TWIST:
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER