@paulrobalino: It's like my dad always said: "Stop quoting me and come up with your own ideas."
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@nbadag: WIFE: can you preheat the oven? ME: you mean heat it WIFE: not this again ME: it can't be heated before it's heated. don't give me that look
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister- Me: Stop tattling. I don't want to hear about it unless there's blood. 5: Me: 5: How much blood?
@Monathais: Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo...I can't believe it's working!
@sock_holliday: [Doctor's Office] Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live. Me: What's the good news? Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week