Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
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Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫