@lilgapeach30: It's like my daddy always says...if you can't beat 'em, arrange to have 'em beaten.
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@Mindless4Miles: I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn't notice the stranger in their midst and I'm feeling so loved rn.
@zachreinert03: Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said 'free TV' and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
@dlsims01: My co worker is so mad at me right now her eyes are bulging out like a pug. I don't know wether to call 911 or scratch her behind the ears.
@iwearaonesie: girl at the bar: You're funny me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said