It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
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Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
New comic up. “Ransom”
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming