@jergarl: It's like my Grandpa used to say ,"The fight with grandma isn't over until I fill her pillow with spiders and she gives me back my teeth."
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@Marlebean: I'm nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
@jwoodham: Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
@AddledPixie: Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
@pro_failure: I've stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,"I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait."