*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
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i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.