It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
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America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*