It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
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Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.