It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
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*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Duolingo getting serious.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Oceanography is all about current events
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together