It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
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[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
For the orator and chef in all of us
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime