It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
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“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Why font matters.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.