@pancakemixtape: It's like these credit card companies don't even care that I'm an electric accordionist for South Dakota's finest heavy metal parody band.
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@AmishPornStar1: "I'm here for the hookers and the booze!!!" "Sir, this is a library." *whispers... "I'm here for the hookers and the booze."
@MichaelJTiberi: Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.