It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”