It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
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Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
December birthdays be like…
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.