It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
You Might Also Like
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.