It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
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I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
bought wrong eggs
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.