It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
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I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”