It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
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🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
What if the weather talks about us?
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”