Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
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Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.