@MikeLonghelt: It's never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it's too late.
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@joejwest: The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
@neledmax: My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of night.
@FeralCrone: Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She's concerned that "the haters" in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
@sweetandweak: Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.