It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
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These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Encore…
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Called it
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.