Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
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cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.