You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
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A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
HELP 😭
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
they split up moments later
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.