It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
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Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
“A little help here, Danny?”
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Taliband
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”