It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
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The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.