@MartaEffing: This gym's proximity to three fast food joints is both troubling and comforting.

@WheelTod: I was the beast man at my sister's wedding, and there isn't a day goes by that I don't wish that that was a typo.

@david8hughes: How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist's knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That's good.

@LlamaInaTux: (A world where everyone is named Bethany) Bethany: what should we name our child? Bethany: Bethany

@KeetPotato: reporter: "what inspired your theory of gravity" isaac newton: "i fell off the toil-" agent: [leans into mic] "an apple hit him on the head"