@desi_princess: Can any of you read your Chinese food bill? Looks like they charged me for a chicken lo-mein, a python, Africa, and a diet Coke.

@Sammart123: Obama: Didn't think he'd be late Biden: I gave him the wrong address Obama: Joe he's the president-elect Biden: idgaf what they call him

@alrightbob: "Don't move or she's dead" was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

@JennyJohnsonHi5: Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the "life of the party."

@Jagershot901: Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.