“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
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trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*