“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
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Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
My love language is hissing.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.