It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
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Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
This woman is my idol. Free her.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You鈥檙e gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you馃槶.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I鈥檝e sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won鈥檛 be moving to London anytime soon.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he鈥檚 looking very round today.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people