[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
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You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.