It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
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Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
smartest karate player in the world
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.