It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
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spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Skills
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.