@JennyJohnsonHi5: It's not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
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@SortaBad: [speed dating] her: I really want to have a child some day. What about you? me: define "child"
@SacamanoB: Whenever I wake up in a bad mood I always wear a shirt I don't like just in case I turn into The Hulk.
@julezmac: Football is so cute it's like some guys are like we're gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
@Robert_Beau: My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn't my finger.