It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
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WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.