@JennyJohnsonHi5: It's not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
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@ComedicBust: [Blind Date] Octopus: [confused] Your profile said you were 40 ounces.. Catfish: C'mon baby, we're already here, let's just have a drink..
@joerogan: Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
@DiscoFruit: [dies and goes to hell] me: "mom? dad!? what are you doing here!" dad: "we used to switch your food with the dog's food sometimes."
@mstluvstrinkets: Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?