It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
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Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.