It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
You Might Also Like
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
what it’s like dating me:
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?