It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
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I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Golf would be better with landmines.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want