I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Happy thanksgiving
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband