It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
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the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?