“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
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Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?