whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
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If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
But is it really??
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.