How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
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We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail