I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
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Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Seek kebab; not attention
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.