You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
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Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin