A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
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In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…