It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
You Might Also Like
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
peep davidson
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Smallpox sounds so adorable