It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
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Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.