@longwall26: It's not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
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@yaboydil: [In elevator] Penguin: what floor do you want? Man: 5th please. *penguin accidentally slaps all the buttons with his fin*
@sofarrsogud: Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids! Wife: But we d.. *I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats Meet Frank and Dolores
@theevilwriter: I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn't do what I wanted.
@BasicLyes: Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I'm driving.