People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
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*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now