“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
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Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Plant care tips
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?